Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My very own Theory of Israeli Productivity

It's not a secret that Israelis are some of the greatest innovators of all time. I'm sure most of you have seen this video:

I'd like to join the list of scientists, doctors and inventors of Israel. I've decided that my deep seeded love for this country and it's inhabitants is not enough. It's time for me to make some real contributions. Drum roll, please.

I have recently coined the Theory of Israeli Productivity, and I hope to go down in history, to be remembered by generations for this personal contribution. It's an equation that works only within Israeli borders, and it goes like this:

If you plan to/need to get x, y, and z done on any given day (or within any given time period), no matter how much planning, yelling, screaming or cursing you do, you will accomplish approximately 1/2 x.  If you're lucky.
Case in point: Yesterday I had roughly 75 things to do, and had planned it out carefully; it was N's first day of Gan, and he'd be out of the house until 1pm. I was up early, and I was on the ball. I arranged to get the car from my FIL, nothing could stop me this morning.

After I dropped my FIL off, I figured I would zip over to the orthodontist and get the forms that I need to get X-rays for Thing 1 and Thing 2. I called first, but no answer, which doesn't really mean anything, except that maybe a bored receptionist is sitting next to the ringing phone, but doesn't actually feel like answering it. I drove over there, but when I got there, everything was locked and sealed shut. He's on vacation in America. Ok, no big deal.

I figured I'd give TPH some time to finish his work while I ran over to the SuperBus lost and found to pick up something a brother had left on the bus. This time though, I figured I should call first. It took some time, but I found the phone number, and amazingly, the actual address. Score. But when I called, I got a recording telling me they are only open between 5:45pm and 7:45pm. How convenient. Strike Two.

Next on list: go home to pick up TPH and get our Israeli license process moving. (One year after our aliyah date it will get much more difficult and expensive; we'll have to take the tests all over again, with many hours of driver's ed. If we get it in before our July 4th Aliyah date, it's a simple eye exam and a driving test.) I run home to pick up TPH, but then get a call that the plumber (yes, the one who never, EVER can be reached or shows) is actually next door and is headed over here when he's done! So, we wait. And wait, and wait. He finally shows up, makes a grand mess of my bathrooms, and gets into an argument with TPH, because he pretty much refuses to fix anything that's broken. The clock is ticking, the kids get out in 1 1/2 hours…

Finally we are on our way to BS proper to get TPH his eye exam. The optometrist (and oh, I use that word so lightly) is a small shop in the BS merkaz. It takes us 20 minutes to find parking (and let's take that lightly too—I ended up parking on the sidewalk). We finally get in, and she says, "Oh! We ran out of those forms! Come back tomorrow."

I am so sensible, so I nod wisely and say, "Oh, don't worry, our next stop is the DMV down the block, I'm sure they'll have the forms there."
"No! Only we have the forms, not even the Misrad HaRishui (DMV)! I said, you have to come back tomorrow."

Uh, ok. Strike Three. Or is it already four by now?

Lo Norah, as they say. No big deal. We go back to the car before the policeman can ticket me, and we drive the 5 blocks to the Misrad HaRishui. I am one step ahead of TPH in the license transfer saga, and am actually ready to schedule my driving test. Except that when we pull in to the parking lot, we ask the security guard naively, "Is this the Misrad Ha'Rishui?" and he says, "Yes, but they are closed today."
"Why?! It's Monday!"
"Vacation. Sorry."

Now generally, BAW and I are very tame, calm and relatively unvulgar. At that moment however, we both begin to curse and mutter under our breaths, using very, very bad words.

It's unbelievable! Vacation? Day off? On MONDAY?? Does anyone around here work????

We head over to the pet shop (that would make a PETA activist faint from its filth) and what do you know? They actually have the puppy treats that we need! I almost walk out with a baby chiuahua because I am just that annoyed.

We have exactly 30 minutes until it's time to get the kids, so we say, the heck with this, and we don't even attempt to finish any of the rest of our errands, and we go out to lunch.

Let's recap:

Get forms from orthodontist: X
Get running toilets and clogged pipes fixed by plumber: X
Get BAW his eye exam for license transfer: X
Get my driving test scheduled: X
Get dog treats: YES!

And there you have it, the Theory of Israeli Productivity


Esti said...

Lol. We did a similar thing last week. Also only have a year to do test, AND I have to learn to drive on the wrong side of the road. The excuse for us - at the eye testing place - was that the printer was jammed. BTW, think you also need your GP to sign the form to say you are of sound body and mind

NekudaTova said...

yes! You do! That was actually the least painful part of this never ending process...

when I went for the eye exam it was in an out, seemed too good to be true :)

SaraK said...

This made me chuckle. Why I think anything will be any different for me is called blissful olah chadasha syndrome, right? :)

Ellen said...

5 years ago we went to wherever to get the license conversion form and then upstairs to an office which had a physician and an optometrist. I think that was 100% of their business - they wouldn't dare have run out of forms!

Can I recommend a plumber?

eli s said...

haha! this used to drive me crazzzzy, anything that has to do with filling it out papers takes weeks.

NekudaTova said...

Thanks Ellen, it was the Kablan plumber, which probably explained why he wouldn't take any responsibility...